If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
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Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
If you’re testing me, we failed.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.