@Triballistix

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

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@DrunksWithGuns

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

@KattsDogma

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

@dubiousrhetoric

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

@ArfMeasures

BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.

Everyone turns around and stairs at me.

@bigbrez100

Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…

@AllyBallyBeal

Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me

Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more

@mccanncreates

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

@elle91

Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.

@Floatersfinest

I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’

@devc0ol

Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.