If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

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*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*


If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’


VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.


BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.

Everyone turns around and stairs at me.


Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…


Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me

Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more


Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”


Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.


I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’


Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.