If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
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Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
How dramatic are you?
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.