If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
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If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
The sacred texts.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Follow me for more life hacks.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”