If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
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I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!