If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
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Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.