If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
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i will not be silenced
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
im 7 sauces long
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl