If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
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I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I have a black belt in leather
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand