If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
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All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Look at this
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
screw you
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.