If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
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[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!