If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
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Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.