If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
You Might Also Like
sigh
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
🤣✨#caturday
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.