If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Stop sending me this shit.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.