If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
You Might Also Like
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Just got to our Airbnb!
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
if a cop pulls u over play dead
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.