“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
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technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.