If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
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the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart