If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.

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Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?


facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once


*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!


“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.


How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?


Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?

Goldfish: I forgot

Goldfish 911: Forgot what?

Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?

Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW


If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.


Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]


Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.