If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
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Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.