If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
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Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose