If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
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15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
HR said no more nunchucks.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.