If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
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Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol