If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
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[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
#merica
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.