If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
You Might Also Like
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.