If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
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[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
In Canada they just call them geese
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”