@iwearaonesie

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

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@JermHimselfish

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

She’s always getting mad at me

“There’s a shark living in our pool”

IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN

@KelFocker

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

@capnwatsisname

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

@GrabTheWEness

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

@robdelaney

The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.

@robcorddry

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

@causticbob

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

@DannyZuker

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.

@thepaulasuzanne

True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.

Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!