“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

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If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.


[marriage counseling]

She’s always getting mad at me

“There’s a shark living in our pool”



I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”


ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*


It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.


The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.


Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade


I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.


Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.


True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.

Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!