If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
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“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??