If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
You Might Also Like
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.