If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
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Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice