If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

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boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!


They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink


look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did


There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too


And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…


I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.


Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.


The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.


Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.