If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
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2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now