@_Vaginasaurus

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

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@KingRainhead

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

@UmarHSoaries

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

@stuckinaportal

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

@maybe_jenna

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

@AlottaInfo

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

@Brianhopecomedy

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

@junejuly12

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

@VibesBummer

The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.