@comedyfish

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach

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@adamgreattweet

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

@

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

@kimwilliamz

It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.

@dragnut

Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house

@nekolot

#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?

@Kate_Goldsmith

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

@weinerdog4life

One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.

@Retacof

Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.

@ilovepie84

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.