If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
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Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
If only.