If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
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At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.