If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
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ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows