@shanethevein

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

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@krisv_723

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

@iwearaonesie

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

@torahhorse

support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas

@MoneypennyNaked

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

@KattsDogma

“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”

“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”

@DurtMcHurtt

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

@SardonicTart

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

@SteveSuckington

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.