If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

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I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.


Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow


support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas


I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.


“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”

“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”


*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*


My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.


I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.