If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

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Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.


He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”

Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.


As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.


You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.


I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.


OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/


Karen, will you marry me?

“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”

*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*


If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.


Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.


Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.