@UnfilteredMama Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
@BuckyIsotope If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
You Might Also Like
@UnfilteredMama 
@Marlebean He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
@DadandBuried As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
@Contwixt You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
@CherBear162 I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
@VaguelyFunnyDan OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
@BlindChow Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
@Midgetspar If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
@moonstruckinnyc Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
@BazarComedy Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.