If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
You Might Also Like
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
(2022)
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.