If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
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If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
did it work
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?