If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
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I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there