If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
You Might Also Like
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Saturday
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer