If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
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My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud