If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
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Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
“I’m helping” 😅
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car