If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
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Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”