@AaronFullerton

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.

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@BwanaChris

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

@junejuly12

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

@JimGaffigan

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

@causticbob

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.

@Death_Buddy

I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”

@prufrockluvsong

Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.

@TuffyNyC

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon

@sarcasticmommy4

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”