If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
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People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?