“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
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Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology