If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
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I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Trying
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I don’t hate children, just yours.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
This a good idea
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument