If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
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[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.