if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
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I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
mathematically impossible
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.