If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
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12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
The asteroid..
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
superman landing like a plane on his belly
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.