If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
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Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth