If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
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Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair