If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.

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Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes


*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit


Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.


*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*


Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
*bangs gavel*


*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*


PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em


An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.


I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!


11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.

Me: What was it testing?

11: My patience.